Realizing

"Don't lose yourself just because you found somebody."  

 So, in dealing with the fact that my life has completely changed, I've come to a lot of realizations. Some of those realizations have to do with the past relationship. Things I should've noticed, things that were off, things that over the past four years I was extremely willing to overlook to make things work. Other realizations have to do with what I actually want in my life. Career, family, and eventually love again.

    Slowly, I'm coming to realize who I am on my own. For the past six years I have not been single for more than two months. Which is really kind of sad. So, now I'm having the chance to remember who I am. And let me tell you, it's not the same me that I thought I was in those relationships. Here's some ideas for you:

• The only kind of music I like is country. I've tried the pop and the hip hop and the rock, and I'm sorry but they just don't work for me. And really, I only like the old country, the new stuff just doesn't do it for me.
• I love work. I'm a workaholic. Probably a bad thing. But seeing as how I spend 20-30 hours a week at work and then work on helping the campus develop new restaurant ideas (hospitality major with an emphasis in food service) and then add in being an officer of a club and having to manage that. Sure, there are days where I really want to do nothing, but then at the end of the day I don't feel productive, and I hate that feeling.
• Singing. From elementary school all the way through high school I was in choir. Sometimes multiple choirs. Even lead the church youth service worship for a couple years in high school. All region choir, voice lessons, driving between towns, traveling all of the US and then to Europe for it. I love it. And I don't do that anymore. Why would I quit doing something that I loved so much?
• I don't want to make anymore exceptions. You know how in relationships you always say "Well, I don't really like that so and so does this, but I'm sure it'll change". News flash, it won't change. People are who they are.
• I shouldn't have to change myself. I am me. That's it, there's nothing more that I can give you. Don't tell me that I need to go to gym more, or not eat Oreos (do not diss the Oreos), or that I need to relax more. If you don't like how I am, then please leave. You are no longer welcome in my life. 
• The type of guy I want to be with. I know, after every relationship you always tell yourself you're not going to be with that "type" of guy anymore. My problem is that the ex, was never the type I described in the first place. He's almost the total opposite. Yes, he did meet some of the qualifications, but he was no where near what I wanted. I'd tell you what that is, but that qualifies for a whole other entry 

    Really, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should never be so involved in a relationship that you completely forget who you are. Don't make too many exceptions (I mean, if the guy has dark hair instead of light I think I'll be okay) but don't set the bar so high that you're never going to let yourself find someone. Trust yourself, I promise you have the answers that you need.

    

The Curveball

“I’m not crying because of you; You’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Dr. Steve Maraboli

    Sometimes, life throws you a curveball. You'll find yourself standing there having no clue what you should even be thinking. The moment when the one person you never thought would hurt you, does. When they do more than just hurt you, they betray you and everything you've worked for.

Sometimes, you have to change your life completely.

     Now, I'm not someone who is super negative and always has a frown on her face. Generally, I'm the exact opposite. But sometimes, life just really sucks. And I'm not someone who lies about things like that.

     After a break up, it's perfectly acceptable to be upset, especially when it's a really bad one. But, it's only okay as long as you don’t lie down and live there. It’s okay to cry and eat the entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting.  It's okay to lay on the couch and watch Dirty Dancing or The Notebook or whatever your guilty pleasure movie is and cry your eyes out all day.  But you can't do it forever. Soon you have to get up, take a shower, change your clothes, and make an attempt to move on with your life.

    Eventually, you’ll have the moment when you’re done with it all. For me, it was a two-hour drive home late at night crying, screaming, and hitting the steering wheel. And you know what, I decided I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. Sure it still hurts, often too. But I know that at some point I’m going to be happy again. I’ll still have bad days for a while; I’m still going to randomly start crying because it feels like too much for one person to handle. But I’m trying, and that’s all that matters.

    Someone close to me keeps reminding me to take things “one step at a time”, and that’s really all it is, one foot in front of the other. Someday soon I will go from trying to be ok for a few hours at a time, to days, to weeks, and finally, I’ll be perfectly happy again. For now, I'm just remembering me.