Aftermath

    There are a lot of things that you should never mention to someone who is new to the single life. Some of them are obvious, some aren't. And I'm sure they're different to every person. I probably tend to be a little pickier than others, but I think that's okay. Here's some things I haven't appreciated people saying:

#1. Have you been on any dates yet?
    No, no I have not. This is an extremely sensitive area for me right now and I don't need you to try and push me. I'll go on a date when I'm ready.

#2. He just wasn't the one.
    Don't you think I've realized this already? Please don't state the obvious. Unless we're really close, that's the only way this is gonna work.

#3. He wasn't good for you.
    Oh really? So after spending all that time telling me how great we were together now you're telling me that you actually didn't like him? Maybe this should've been mentioned earlier, could've saved me a lot of time.

#4. Anything that has to do with said ex.
    I don't care about his life. I don't want to know anything that happens. If I want to talk about it, I will bring it up. I don't need anyone else to. I'm already trying to forget it all, don't bring up a sore subject.

#5. Have you gained/lost weight?
    Pretty sure this explains itself. But I'm already dealing with a lot of issues, this just offends me in every way possible. 

#6. Karma will get him.
    Yes, I do want him to suffer. But I also really doubt he will. If you can hurt someone that badly, obviously you really didn't care and therefore won't feel bad about it later.

If you find yourself saying these things to someone, stop. There are so many other things you could say. Some of the better things that have been said to me:

#1. I'm sorry
    You're probably saying this because you don't know what else to say, but it is nice.

#2. How is your heart doing?
    Odd question, but it really does mean a lot. It means you understand the pain that I'm dealing with and genuinely care.

#3. Do you want to do something?
   Yea, I probably do. I want to be distracted and not sit at home all day long.

#4. "Two months won't heal four years"
    This is so true. It's not going to. Thank you for understanding that. And thank you for not pushing me.

#5. Talking about your own life.
    I love knowing what else is going on outside my little area. It keeps me in the loop and I promise I'm not going to be offended if you go on a really great date or are getting married or have a new job. Don't purposefully not tell me because you're worried about offending me.

#6. How is work/school going?
    I can talk about work or school for hours (okay, maybe not hours but at least a good 30 minutes). Ask me what I like and don't, what I would do if I could. Maybe don't ask me about my plans for the future though because I'm completely indecisive right now.

So, there's your guide for dealing with someone you care about after a break up. Like I said, some of these things will switch depending on the person but I think you can figure it out.

Thirteen

"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women" - Maya Angelou

    Let me start this by saying that this post is very very opinionated and I am not sorry at all if you're offended, because if you are something is wrong with you.

    Earlier today, I was walking with one of my male friends to class. A girl walked in front of us and he says (and I wish I was lying): "Mmmm. Do you think girls know what yoga pants does to their bodies?" I slightly lost it at this point (two days of no sleep and living off coffee will do that to you). I quickly informed him that that girl was not wearing yoga pants for him to stare at her. She's wearing those pants because she is exhausted and they are comfortable and she should not have to dress up and put on ten pounds of make up for her to get any respect from a guy. Now there might have been a few other choice words in there, but that's the gist of what I told him. He was taken aback for a minute because me going off like that is not exactly completely normal. But I'm done with it.

    Since middle school I have been told that according to that oh so lovely BMI test that I am almost overweight or I am overweight. My mom used to hide them from me, she'd tell me that that test wasn't important and none of those results mattered. But when they started giving me those results, it completely shattered how I felt about myself.

    I don't consider myself "fat" (isn't that just such an ugly word?). No, I'm not a size two, but according to the media I would definitely be a "plus size" model. But as a thirteen year old, being told that you're "overweight" is horrible. I would skip breakfasts and lunches, eat nothing but salads for weeks at a time. Crunches, lunges, squats, I did it all in the privacy of my bedroom so no one would know and they would all think I was just naturally skinny. Even with all of that going on people would comment on how I looked, "You're too skinny", "You need to lose a few pounds", I was never good enough for everyone. Eventually I quit doing that. But the self esteem was never built back up to what it was before then.

    I'm truly worried about society at this point. I have younger sisters, my youngest sister is thirteen. She's started wearing eyeliner and make up and while I know I did at her age, it freaks me out because I know how young she is.  Luckily she's home schooled and I hope and pray that it will help her to avoid those people who will attempt to shatter her extremely high self esteem.

    I truly hate that the media puts so much pressure on women to be what they consider a woman to be. Some women are meant to be the president, some are meant to be moms, some are meant to go to space, no one woman is exactly like another. But yet, society has this expectation that every woman should be exactly the same, and society's standards are absolutely impossible to meet.

    Back to the original story, I don't wake up in the morning and go "Oh, these pants will make (insert body part) look good." No, it's much more of an "Alright, I have two tests today, a presentation, some studying to do for a test on this day, I got three hours of sleep, five emails to reply to, sweats it is." Sorry to disappoint some of you males, but your opinion is one that I won't be considering for quite some time. I'm truly disappointed in this friend for saying anything like that. It's not something I expected from him, but he's just one of the many people in this world that the media has set unrealistic expectations for.

415 Days

As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have a ton of friends, and more important to have real ones

    After a break up you learn to really depend on your friends. Some of those friends you didn't realize you had, and some are ones that you've been friends with all your life. Either way, they basically become your lifeline and your insight to the real world.

    I have both types of these friends. A few that I have known forever and a few that I'm just getting to really know. And they're all super great. They've introduced me to new things while some have brought me back to things that I've come away from that used to be a part of my daily life.

    This past weekend I drove to the big city (not like NYC big but big compared to where I live) to see one of these newer friends. We've talked quite a bit and hung out in a group but never one on one. Going to see her was probably one of the best decisions I've made in quite a while. We did the typical girls night things (excluding the whole pillow fight thing because, really??) like pigging out on pizza and orange chocolate chip cookies, watching New Girl, talking about boys, etc, etc. Typical. Next day: Shopping. IKEA (which is like Heaven on earth, btw), H&M, Starbucks, Cheesecake Factory. Obviously we just hit the important spots.

    I needed this weekend. Not because I haven't had that typical girls night you always do, but because I needed to get out of town and see how many options I really had.  And in the course of one weekend (one day really) she had me completely in love with city life. Now, I love where I live. And when I do settle down eventually I would like it to be here. But maybe a change in scenery is exactly what I need.

    I have 415 days until I graduate from college. Every plan I had for afterwards has completely fallen apart so I'm starting over. Being a planner, this just stresses me out more than anything. I had my entire life planned out until I was 30 and now I don't even know what job I want to have. Awesome, right?  Slowly I'm realizing the amount of options I have now. And it's quite wide. No permanent plans yet. I think for once I'm just going to attempt to go with the flow. Which while terrifying, is incredibly exciting.

    So, who knows. Maybe I'll end up moving to the city and renting a 3 bedroom apartment with her so one room can be our closet. Maybe I'll go to grad school. Maybe I'll meet the love of my life and get married. Who knows, anything can happen in 415 days...

   

High Expectations

"Stop focusing on how stressed you are and realize how blessed you are."

    As I said earlier, I've been realizing a lot about myself lately. And it's a lot of fun to get to know yourself, if you haven't tried it you most definitely should. I've been cooking awesome healthy meals, going to the gym and enjoying it, working a lot and enjoying it, and doing a whole bunch of school work. And it's awesome.

    While it's awesome, it's also really stressful. I've taken on a full load at school plus a part time job which ends up being full time hours most of the time. This semester, school involves a class where I work with some of the main campus food providers to design a new restaurant to open up in January. Which includes a ton of out of class work. Actually, it's mostly all done out of class. Did I mention they gave me a little over one month to do this? Talk about stress. 

    To be honest with you, I'm terrible at dealing with stress. I'm really hard on myself and I like everything to be perfect. I know it's not going to be 100% right in the end and that I'll have to fix a whole bunch of things but, I aim high. The bad thing about high expectations is that it makes it really hard for you to be happy with it in the end.

    Now, I'm not saying you should just lower all of your expectations and go with the flow. That would probably just stress me out more. I'm saying that you have to learn to deal with it, that things aren't always going to go your way and that is perfectly okay. As long as you're happy with it, it doesn't matter. And happy doesn't mean perfect.

    Some of the ways that I've dealt with this are:

• Take a hot shower or bath. I know, it's the first thing everyone says to do when you're stressed. But it works, and that's what matters.
• Go for walk.
• Go to the gym. Me time is great time. Also, my gym has a massage bed. Which is 100% worth the monthly charge.
• Play with a dog. Sorry cat people, but dogs are so much better.
• Read a book. If you have an active imagination like I do, books can take you to a whole different world and distract you for quite some time. Within the past week and a half I've read three and I always feel so much better afterwards.
• Watch your favorite childhood movie. It'll bring back some good memories and make you smile.
• Girl time. Or guy time. But girl time is super great. Especially when you just camp out in front of the TV and eat chocolate and talk for hours.
• Cook or bake your favorite food. Then find people to share them with. Or just keep it all to yourself, whichever works.
•  Take 3 deep breaths. You'll instantly feel better.
• Talk it out. Sometimes, that's really all you need to do. Find someone you feel comfortable with and ask if you can just talk to them about a situation. Other people can also give you great insight of what else you could do.

    After trying some of those tactics, if you're still feeling the pressure (and even if you're not) think about all the good things happening in your life. For me, it's that I've learned a lot about who my friends really are, how many options I have in my life now, and that even though I'm really stressed about work it's all going to lead to me finding a career that I love and that I'm good at. Eventually, the stress goes away.

    Just remember, high expectations are great to have. But don't let yourself be let down just because things didn't go 100% your way, be proud of what you've done and most importantly, you need to be happy with knowing that you did your best.

The Importance of Mashed Potatoes

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." - C.S. Lewis

    While sitting in IHOP eating my cinn-a-stack pancakes, I had an odd thought come to me: Neither of my ex boyfriends liked mashed potatoes. Now, let me remind you, I live in the south. Mashed potatoes are a staple food, everyone likes mashed potatoes. There are days where I just eat mashed potatoes. I think this is a sign from Heaven.

    Needless to say, this has to do with more than just mashed potatoes. It has to do with commonality. You know what my exes and I had in common? Very very little. That should've been a red flag on it's own.

    No matter how hard you try, it is almost next to impossible to have a good healthy relationship with someone that you don't have much in common with. I mean, what are you suppose to do for fun? He REALLY enjoyed going out to parties. I REALLLYYYY hate parties. I love cooking comfort foods, he had an unhealthy relationship with the gym (as in spent more time there than with me, red flag #2). I absolutely love curling up and reading a good book and watching the same movies over and over, and well, you get the point. Complete opposites.

    Do opposites attract? In my case, yes, they do. It just doesn't end well. And that will most definitely be something I keep in mind as I continue to, hopefully, find the right guy.  I mean, I don't want to date an exact copy of me in a male body, I can't deal with myself on a daily basis and definitely don't need two. But I'll probably look for someone who has a similar taste in music, books, politics (yes I said it, it's pretty important when it comes down to it), and probably money.

    I like to think about my parents when it comes to having things in common in a relationship. My mother goes to church every week, extreme introvert, cooks, not OCD in the least, country or Christian music. My father does anything to avoid church, loves going out with his friends, has some OCD, classic rock music. But you know what, they have the same political views, same friends (for the most part), and enjoy doing the same activities for fun. So, just because your personalities aren't the same, it doesn't mean that you have nothing in common. Sometimes, it's the little things that really matter.

Realizing

"Don't lose yourself just because you found somebody."  

 So, in dealing with the fact that my life has completely changed, I've come to a lot of realizations. Some of those realizations have to do with the past relationship. Things I should've noticed, things that were off, things that over the past four years I was extremely willing to overlook to make things work. Other realizations have to do with what I actually want in my life. Career, family, and eventually love again.

    Slowly, I'm coming to realize who I am on my own. For the past six years I have not been single for more than two months. Which is really kind of sad. So, now I'm having the chance to remember who I am. And let me tell you, it's not the same me that I thought I was in those relationships. Here's some ideas for you:

• The only kind of music I like is country. I've tried the pop and the hip hop and the rock, and I'm sorry but they just don't work for me. And really, I only like the old country, the new stuff just doesn't do it for me.
• I love work. I'm a workaholic. Probably a bad thing. But seeing as how I spend 20-30 hours a week at work and then work on helping the campus develop new restaurant ideas (hospitality major with an emphasis in food service) and then add in being an officer of a club and having to manage that. Sure, there are days where I really want to do nothing, but then at the end of the day I don't feel productive, and I hate that feeling.
• Singing. From elementary school all the way through high school I was in choir. Sometimes multiple choirs. Even lead the church youth service worship for a couple years in high school. All region choir, voice lessons, driving between towns, traveling all of the US and then to Europe for it. I love it. And I don't do that anymore. Why would I quit doing something that I loved so much?
• I don't want to make anymore exceptions. You know how in relationships you always say "Well, I don't really like that so and so does this, but I'm sure it'll change". News flash, it won't change. People are who they are.
• I shouldn't have to change myself. I am me. That's it, there's nothing more that I can give you. Don't tell me that I need to go to gym more, or not eat Oreos (do not diss the Oreos), or that I need to relax more. If you don't like how I am, then please leave. You are no longer welcome in my life. 
• The type of guy I want to be with. I know, after every relationship you always tell yourself you're not going to be with that "type" of guy anymore. My problem is that the ex, was never the type I described in the first place. He's almost the total opposite. Yes, he did meet some of the qualifications, but he was no where near what I wanted. I'd tell you what that is, but that qualifies for a whole other entry 

    Really, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should never be so involved in a relationship that you completely forget who you are. Don't make too many exceptions (I mean, if the guy has dark hair instead of light I think I'll be okay) but don't set the bar so high that you're never going to let yourself find someone. Trust yourself, I promise you have the answers that you need.

    

The Curveball

“I’m not crying because of you; You’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Dr. Steve Maraboli

    Sometimes, life throws you a curveball. You'll find yourself standing there having no clue what you should even be thinking. The moment when the one person you never thought would hurt you, does. When they do more than just hurt you, they betray you and everything you've worked for.

Sometimes, you have to change your life completely.

     Now, I'm not someone who is super negative and always has a frown on her face. Generally, I'm the exact opposite. But sometimes, life just really sucks. And I'm not someone who lies about things like that.

     After a break up, it's perfectly acceptable to be upset, especially when it's a really bad one. But, it's only okay as long as you don’t lie down and live there. It’s okay to cry and eat the entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting.  It's okay to lay on the couch and watch Dirty Dancing or The Notebook or whatever your guilty pleasure movie is and cry your eyes out all day.  But you can't do it forever. Soon you have to get up, take a shower, change your clothes, and make an attempt to move on with your life.

    Eventually, you’ll have the moment when you’re done with it all. For me, it was a two-hour drive home late at night crying, screaming, and hitting the steering wheel. And you know what, I decided I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. Sure it still hurts, often too. But I know that at some point I’m going to be happy again. I’ll still have bad days for a while; I’m still going to randomly start crying because it feels like too much for one person to handle. But I’m trying, and that’s all that matters.

    Someone close to me keeps reminding me to take things “one step at a time”, and that’s really all it is, one foot in front of the other. Someday soon I will go from trying to be ok for a few hours at a time, to days, to weeks, and finally, I’ll be perfectly happy again. For now, I'm just remembering me.